How anxiety and insecurities influence my relationship

How anxiety and insecurities influence my relationship

Anxiety and insecurities have had a big influence on different aspects of my life, and especially on my relationships. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for two years now, and anxiety has always been a part of our relationship. In the start, it was easy to hide it and imagine it wasn’t there, but the more time we spent together, the more my anxiety became a part of our relationship.

I’d almost dare to say that my boyfriend is in a relationship with two people: with me and with my anxiety. And even though I’m doing much better now, my anxiety still causes some issues or difficulties in our relationship from time to time.

Not being able to believe in a happy ending

I love my boyfriend, and the way I see it now, he’s someone I want to spend the rest of my days with. However, and I’ve written about this before, anxiety forces a lot of irrational fears upon me. Even though we have a good relationship, and there’s no reason for me to believe that anything would go wrong between us anytime soon, my anxiety refuses to believe in a happy ending.

Anxiety is a monster, and it’s constantly following me around, telling me my boyfriend will hurt me, emotionally or physically. I trust my boyfriend, and I’m convinced he would never hurt me, at least not on purpose, but I just don’t trust my own luck.

“Why would things go right for me? Do I deserve happiness? I can’t imagine what a happy ending must be like. Knowing my luck, I’ll end up being hurt, just like I’ve been hurt in the past. People hurt me. That’s how it works. I’m Sarah and I get hurt. I’m Sarah and I’m not made to be happy. That’s just what my life is like.”

Constantly needing reassurance that I’m good enough

This is very related to the previous issue, my anxiety constantly tries to convince me I’m not good enough, leaving me desperate for reassurance. Rationally, I know I am good enough, my feelings just experience it differently. On good days, like the past few weeks have been, I believe I’m good enough and I’m happy and confident. But when the anxiety kicks in, I’m convinced there’s nothing good about me. “Do you still like me?”, “Am I good enough for you?” and “Why do you love me? What’s there to like about me?” are questions my boyfriend has to hear on a regular basis.

Panicking over simple or unimportant things

This issue has gotten a lot better over the past year, and these days I rarely panic anymore. But there was a time where I would get stressed out and panic over the smallest and most unimportant things. The more things that could potentially go wrong, the harder I panic.

Cooking used to be one of those things that stressed me out a lot. As soon as the water started boiling, a steak went on the pan, or the oven had to be opened, I’d start getting scared. “What if I accidentally burn my hands? What if I drop a pot of boiling water on my feet? Or what if the fire alarm goes off? What if I forget to turn off the oven and it catches fire? Or what if the food tastes disgusting or makes someone sick?”

And since living together also means cooking together, my boyfriend had to deal with my panic attacks on an almost daily basis. I actually felt really guilty about that, even though it’s not my fault, and it motivated me to start therapy. And I’m so glad that I’m doing better lately.

Apologizing for everything that happens

Whenever something remotely negative happens, I’ll apologize, even if it’s something that’s out of my control. Bad food at a restaurant? “I’m sorry”. The store ran out of tomatoes? “I’m sorry”. You didn’t understand what I said? “I’m sorry”. You ask me why I’m apologizing so much? “I’m sorry.”

You might say that by apologizing so much for things that don’t need an apology, saying sorry loses its meaning. And while I could agree with that, I think it’s also important to mention that I mean those apologies every single time, even when they’re not needed. It’s not a standard answer I give when things go wrong without putting much thought into it. Whenever I say sorry, I really mean it. I just often feel responsible when things go wrong, and often feel sorry for it.

Long monologs about my feelings and insecurities

This has gotten better as well since I started therapy, mainly because I can have those monologs with my therapist right now. It’s also why I started a blog because I didn’t want to constantly go to my boyfriend with these things, even though he’s really supportive about it. Talking about my feelings, putting them in words and describing every little thought, memory or feeling in deep detail makes me feel better. It’s like the only way to make the anxiety monster shut up is by talking over it. As long as I’m talking, the monster doesn’t get a chance to be heard.

(I do think it’s good to talk to your partner about your feelings and fears. And as I said, my boyfriend is really supportive and helpful. I just don’t believe that dropping all this negativity on him alone is healthy for our relationship or my mental wellbeing, which is one of the reasons I’m in therapy. In case my fears ever do come true, and my boyfriend and I separate, I still have someone to talk to.)



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27 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for this post, as a fellow anxiety sufferer I feel a lot of these things myself and I hate the idea of being judged for the littlest of things. The whole happy ever after ending thing is something that plays on ym mind a LOT too! x

  2. I always hate to know that people feel like this. My anxiety has made a lot of relationships fail as I always worry so much that I am not good enough that I end up pushing people away. When you find the right person like you seem to have I’m sure it gets a little easier x

  3. Sounds like you two have a wonderful relationship. It’s so important to be open about your anxieties and your boyfriend seems to be great support – it goes both ways, Im sure they are times when you also support and comfort him and that balances it out.

  4. I totally agree with you on this, I get anxious about the tiniest things and often have nightmares at night that ruin the next day. I also checked out your post on 6 things that are scary when travelling, and oh my God, I feel you!

  5. I totally understand the fact that anxiety is a part of everyone’s nature. I just hope that everything works out the best way it should and wish you all the best.

  6. Oh goodness I completely understand this, this is something me and my partner struggle with on a daily basis. In the early years of our relationship i felt so guilty that he had to deal me and my mental illness. But in the end he loves me and is so understanding and that’s helping me get better 🙂 thanks for sharing

  7. Well, I can relate to a few of these! Relationships are hard enough already so throw in insecurities you can imagine!!

  8. Reading this post was like sitting in front of a mirror. I can relate to this on every level as I face the same issue. Writing has helped me a lot and there are some good and bad days as you know but I am always looking out for the good and positive thoughts and moments.

  9. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your experience with us. I struggle with depression and like everyone, I have my insecurities too and see how much it affects my relationships. Being aware of this is the first step to dealing with it properly and you are on the right track 🙂

  10. This spoke to me because I also suffer with anxiety and insecurities. My husband was my first real boyfriend and I always struggled with if I was good enough. I’m so thankful for the fact that he understands my insecurities and tries to help me push past them!

  11. The message has been passed in a beautiful manner. Your story is really well presented and I am touched. Anxiety and insecurity does spoil relationships. We need to stay strong.

  12. Also: saying sorry about saying sorry, saying sorry to inanimate objects, and then having to laugh along at their laughing about it, … I know all of these – they’re not pleasant at all! Thanks for sharing 🙂

  13. Thank you for sharing this. I think most of us experience anxiety to some extent nowadays, as we’re all so stressed out all the time. I have never experience it in big forms, but when I have my moments of doubt and irrational fears I try to talk to someone and write a journal. Good luck with your progress, I think you’re on the right track to learning how to manage anxiety and live (better) with it.

    Ivona from http://www.thesmokedetector.net
    xoxo

  14. I have a lot of the same anxiety. How is therapy? Do you feel like it helps? Can you tell me a little bit about how a day in therapy goes? I’ve never been and I’m scared to go.

    1. Therapy is wonderful, helping me so much ❤️ Basically, every Monday I visit my therapist, and we start with a short guided meditation session. Then afterwards we talk about what’s on my mind, how I’ve been feeling the past couple of days, or about a specific subject. It’s kind of getting to know yourself, becoming more aware, finding out what part of you is experiencing certain emotions and why you’re experiencing them, etc.

      But there are many other forms of therapy as well, if this doesn’t sound like your thing 😊 Many people with anxiety go for CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) instead, which is supposed to be good as well but I don’t know anything about it (mine is some sort of psychosynthesis therapy).

      I’d say just give it a try, you can go for one session and if you don’t like it, you can try another therapist. The first two ones I went to (when I was a teen) were not helpful at all, and we just weren’t a good match.

  15. It’s so refreshing to read your blog. I suffer from anxiety too and my main trigger is being insecure in my relationship and constantly looking for reassurance. Thank you for this post. I can’t wait to read more of your blog

  16. I am happy I came across this tonight. The older I get the worse the anxiety is. Long term relationships are what I enjoy. Finding your person that understands you. The journey to that can be very hard though. Having a good heart and loving with all that you have just for it to go away and leave you feeling meaningless makes anxiety for the next relationship terrible. And you don’t want it to push anyone away! You don’t mean for it to do that. My boyfriend now understands me the most I feel, but we have our days where we arn’t as in tune, and my anxiety will bother him. That just causes it to be worse! We have only been together for a little while. Bless his soul if he can find the strength someday to be as patient as your boyfriend. That support will be the most appreciated and I hope to feel that in time. Thanks for sharing 🙂