I’m a perfectionist. That means I’m terrified of being anything less than perfect. Every mistake, no matter how small, and every little imperfection, no matter how irrelevant, all drag my self-confidence down. I’m a perfectionist. That means that even though I’m living a successful life, I see myself as a failure. When I look in the mirror, I see a mess. A hopeless case. Someone who’s lost. A failure. Even though I’m none of those things. But I’m not perfect, so I must be a failure.
Perfectionism is not something positive
I hate the word perfectionism. Honestly, it should be called imperfectionism. I’m an imperfectionist. Too often, people think that perfectionism is something positive. Always wanting to be the best. Having an eye for detail. But it’s not.
Being a perfectionist is not the same as wanting to deliver high-quality work. It’s wanting to deliver perfect work. It’s wanting to have a perfect body, a perfect apartment, a perfect partner, a perfect job, a perfect life. But nothing is ever perfect.
Perfectionism makes me forget about opportunities and fills my mind with worst-case scenarios instead. It makes me hunt for mistakes, hunt for imperfections. I see a downside to every positive situation I’m in. Everywhere I look I see mistakes. My world is filled with imperfections and they can’t be unseen.
Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.
And I’m scared. I’m scared of making mistakes because I’m scared that my mistakes will ruin my life. I’m scared that a bug in my code will get me fired. Scared that taking a break from work will ruin my career. I’m scared that my body isn’t good enough, scared that my accent is too noticeable, scared that I’ll never be successful, scared that my boyfriend will leave me for someone better. I’m scared of making mistakes, scared of failing and I’m scared of being scared.
I don’t want to be a perfectionist anymore
I hate being a perfectionist. It sucks. It’s awful. But I’m getting better, slowly. I’m trying to change and I’m trying hard. Really hard.
I’m trying hard to beat perfectionism, anxiety and all my irrational fears and worries. And I’m confident I will succeed. I’m not scared of the outcome, I’m not scared of failing. Because I will succeed. I know I will. I will get over this, eventually.
And then, I will be able to focus on opportunities, rather than on worst case scenarios. I’ll see the beauty around me, rather than the imperfections. And I won’t be scared anymore. And my mistakes will no longer scare me, they will no longer define me. My mistakes will no longer be imperfections that can drag me down, but opportunities to create something better.
I will beat perfectionism’s ass. It’s a promise I made to myself a while ago, and it’s a promise I will keep. I know I will. I can feel it. Some day soon I will beat this shit. And then, the world will feel like a better place.
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