The past couple of days, weeks even, haven’t been easy on me. My asthma got noticeably worse after an infection, breathing has become hard, I’m constantly coughing and I’m at a point where I’m starting to lose my voice. My doctor has upped my medication, prescribed new medication and done plenty of blood tests to look for other causes, but things aren’t getting better. I know where this is going, as I’ve been here before.
The summer before starting elementary school, after a period of struggling with allergies and having difficulties breathing, I was diagnosed with asthma. But around the same time, something else started to develop. The older I got, the more insecure and anxious I became, until I started looking for help in my early twenties.
I don’t like being vocal about my problems. It’s scary and uncomfortable. It feels as if there’s so much wrong with me, so much to be fixed. I suffer from asthma, which makes my body feel weak. Training with others is a nightmare because even the least fit ones outrun me. I also suffer from anxiety, extreme worrying, and fear of failure. It doesn’t matter that I’m extremely smart, I still doubt myself too often and think I’m not capable of accomplishing anything. And to add to all that mess, I didn’t have the best childhood and also crossed paths with too many assholes.
Three months ago I started this blog, unsure what to expect. Most of the blogs I see around are about beauty or fashion, but personally, I’m not very interested in that. I like seeing other people’s cute looks, but I would never be able to blog about it myself. I don’t even wear make-up! It made me scared that I would stand out too much, or that people wouldn’t be interested in my content.
But somehow I ended up with way more readers than I expected. I’m still trying to find my way in the blogging world, but I’m happy with where I’m heading. And to celebrate this, I decided to make a list of my favourite posts of the past three months.
I’ve been an asthmatic since as long as I can remember. I was born with it, I grew up with it and I’ll grow old with it. It’s part of my life. It’s part of who I am. I want to share part of my story, using three topics that have been central in my battle with asthma: inhalers, needles and technology.
On a rainy day, almost twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with asthma. Back then I didn’t really know what that diagnosis meant, the only thing I understood was that I had to take inhalers twice a day. They looked scary and tasted awful, and I didn’t want to come near them. Sometimes people told me I would get rid of the disease, that I would magically become healthy again. They gave me hope.
But over the years my lungs only became weaker. They started to hurt when I was running, biking or swimming. I had to stop taking part in certain school activities, such as physical education. I had to be careful when riding my bike. I had to sleep with a rescue inhaler. And I started to appreciate the medication more. They helped me bike and win. They postponed the pain. They saved me during asthma attacks. But I didn’t manage to get rid of the disease, instead my condition became progressively worse.