Writing usually helps me process my feelings pretty well, so I’ve always been a fan of keeping a diary. Whenever something’s on my mind, I write it down. Sometimes I like what I write, so I decided to start sharing some of these better diary entries. This is the first one, written on a dark Sunday afternoon mid-October, and is about feeling happy.
Around 25% of adults suffer from a mental illness. I want to raise awareness about this issue, and help people understand the different aspects of living with a mental disorder a bit better. That’s why I’m launching a series of guest posts called Mental Health Mondays, where I give other people the opportunity to share their experiences with mental disorders. This week is all about happiness, as several bloggers share their happiest memories.
I don’t like being vocal about my problems. It’s scary and uncomfortable. It feels as if there’s so much wrong with me, so much to be fixed. I suffer from asthma, which makes my body feel weak. Training with others is a nightmare because even the least fit ones outrun me. I also suffer from anxiety, extreme worrying, and fear of failure. It doesn’t matter that I’m extremely smart, I still doubt myself too often and think I’m not capable of accomplishing anything. And to add to all that mess, I didn’t have the best childhood and also crossed paths with too many assholes.
Summer is slowly coming to an end, the days are getting shorter and colder, and I see autumn themed posts everywhere. The perfect time to reflect on the past few months. As always, there were quite a few ups and downs, but overall I had an awesome summer, which I’m really grateful for.
Anxiety comes in many different shapes. Some people have social anxiety, they’re scared of social situations. Some have seemingly random panic attacks and others suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Some break out in sweat, some yell and others turn silent.
To me, anxiety means thinking in worst-case scenarios. It means being worried about everything that can go wrong. It means overthinking all the possible outcomes of any situation. It means being scared of not living up to the expectations of others or the expectations myself. Anxiety means becoming tense in my shoulders, tense in my back and tense in my legs. It means becoming less aware of my surroundings and not being able to think straight anymore. It means failing to translate my feelings into words and it means blackouts. It means being afraid of winning and afraid of losing. And most of all, anxiety means total chaos.