Lately, I’ve been doing really well. I feel like I’m getting control of my life, and feeling more and more confident and happy each day. Working on improving myself and being in therapy has taught me so much the past few months. There’s so much I know now that I wish I knew when I was younger, especially as a teenager. Life will have its shitty moments but they won’t last forever. And there’s nothing wrong with asking for help when you feel lost.
Anxiety and insecurities have had a big influence on different aspects of my life, and especially on my relationships. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for two years now, and anxiety has always been a part of our relationship. In the start, it was easy to hide it and imagine it wasn’t there, but the more time we spent together, the more my anxiety became a part of our relationship.
Writing usually helps me process my feelings pretty well, so I’ve always been a fan of keeping a diary. Whenever something’s on my mind, I write it down. Sometimes I like what I write, so I decided to start sharing some of these better diary entries. This is the first one, written on a dark Sunday afternoon mid-October, and is about feeling happy.
Today’s post is a very personal one, I’m coming out. I’m bisexual. I’m into both men and women. The people closest to me have known for a while. But I never came out, not officially, not publicly. Not until now.
I knew that I wasn’t heterosexual from a very young age but only came to terms with my bisexuality within the past few years. When I was 9 or 10 years old and people around me started to get interested in the opposite sex, I noticed I was different. I wrote about it in my diary, back then.
I’m a perfectionist. That means I’m terrified of being anything less than perfect. Every mistake, no matter how small, and every little imperfection, no matter how irrelevant, all drag my self-confidence down. I’m a perfectionist. That means that even though I’m living a successful life, I see myself as a failure. When I look in the mirror, I see a mess. A hopeless case. Someone who’s lost. A failure. Even though I’m none of those things. But I’m not perfect, so I must be a failure.