My crazy therapy experience

my crazy therapy experience

This post is going to be a very personal one, about a trippy experience I had during guided meditation in one of my previous therapy sessions. As soon as I got home I wanted to share it with everyone, and according to a poll I placed on Twitter people were interested in hearing my story as well.

But while writing this post, I felt both excited and scared. And I’ve had many moments where I wanted to erase everything I wrote because it felt too personal. But I decided to publish it anyway, because it’s a good comfort zone challenge, and because talking about mental health is important.

Therapy & Meditation

I’m in therapy because of things that happened to me when I was younger, which gave me low self-confidence and anxiety. And therapy has been very helpful for me so far.

We did this guided meditation session, which felt extremely powerful. I felt so focused, almost high, as if I was in some kind of strong flow state.

The therapy sessions involve a lot of talking, answering questions (such as “what does this make you feel like?”) and meditating. Usually, we start the therapy with a guided meditation session, and this particular day the meditation made me extremely focused. I felt in some kind of flow state afterwards, and I think it has been one of my best meditation sessions to date.

Twitter poll

So when we started talking about my feelings I told my therapist that I felt really bad about the fact that my parents never treated me right as a kid, and that I felt like a bad person for not interacting with them on a regular basis anymore.

He asked me to describe the feeling and I had to answer some very detailed questions. Such as “Where in your body do you feel this emotion?” I felt it in my chest. “What does it physically feel like?” It felt like something heavy was pressing against my chest, and it made me feel sick. This continued for a little while, and then he asked me to close my eyes and visualize the feeling.

What does the feeling look like?

And that’s when things got trippy. I was skeptical at first because I don’t have the wildest imagination. But he guided me through this meditation (I thought it was called guided imagery, but when I told my boyfriend about it, he said it was more like hypnosis – anyway, the exact terminology doesn’t matter) and it was so powerful. I could really see the things he asked me about, which still surprises me.

I was trapped in a corner by a big, gray sphere filled with bad sadness, guilt and shame. It was trying to destroy me. I fought, I tried to get away, but I couldn’t. The sphere was too strong and I was too weak.

The feeling looked like a big, gray ball that pushed me into the corner of the room. I was completely trapped, and I couldn’t find a way out. I could see myself panicking, trying to push the big sphere away, but it was too strong.  The harder the ball pushed me against the wall, the harder I cried. And the harder I cried, the heavier the ball felt.

therapy visualization

I could clearly see every detail of that scene, I even recognized the clothes and jewelry I was wearing. And I could feel it all as well. I really felt the emotion I was talking about earlier, even though I was feeling happy and relaxed just before that guided meditation session started. I felt sad and small, sick, ashamed and like a disobedient child.

Talking to myself

The therapist then asked me to observe the crying version of myself from where I was sitting. What did I think when I saw someone struggling like that? I thought she looked helpless, I felt bad for her. And I was glad I wasn’t suffering like that. He encouraged me to walk up to her (well, to myself) and ask her some questions. I asked her if she could escape, but the ball weighed too much. And she was tired of fighting.

I freed her. I freed myself. And I told myself I didn’t have to fight my demons alone, cause there is a part inside of me that’s strong and that will help me.

So I removed the ball. I freed her. I freed myself. And then I talked to that other version of myself about myself. About how I got away from home, about how I fulfilled one of my dreams and moved to Norway. I promised her everything would get better. She would get better. I got better and I will keep getting better. She didn’t have to be afraid. And she didn’t have to fight alone, cause I would be strong and help her.

read more about my anxiety

how-i-experience-anxiety anxiety-crashing-computer

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    1. Talking with someone is so useful! It helps me calm down and see things from a different perspective. When I feel bad during the day, I exchange a few messages with my boyfriend and tell him what’s going wrong, always makes me feel a bit better.

  1. Wowsa that does sound trippy! But it sounds as though it was incredibly helpful.. I’m so pleased you got to ‘talk to yourself’ as it were. Your therapist sounds like they’re doing an amazing job 😊

  2. Wow this sounds like an amazing experience. I guess a lot of the best therapy is getting you to see/understand things you already know in some part of your consciousnes. Really interesting read, thanks!

    1. Yes, it is! I tried therapy before, many years ago, and that therapist was more about finding quick fixes. It didn’t really work that well. But the therapist I have now is all about finding out where certain emotions come from and getting to know myself better etc. It’s so much better!

  3. Wow that sounds like an intense experience, I think my take-away from it is that we must make sure well qualified people go rummaging around in our heads, imagine if your therapist had not handled things well – it could have made the problem worse.

  4. That’s creepy and inspiring at the same time. Creepy because of the image, but the meaning behind it is so true. I do feel that we are often our first obstacle preventing us from achieving results.

  5. What a beautiful post. Talking things out is really a good habit. It helps you overcome your worries. This is something very intense and the good thing is you are talking to the right person 🙂

  6. This is a really interesting form of therapy. I admit I am not very familiar with the process but I’m glad it helped you to understand what was trapped within and release it.

    1. I love that I can talk to a ‘neutral’ person. I have friends and a boyfriend to talk to as well, but they’re all biased in some way because they know me. I can talk about an argument I had with my boyfriend with my therapist, and he won’t pick sides or anything. While if I would talk with my friends about that, they’d probably be annoyed at my boyfriend for a while. And sometimes I don’t like ruining the mood by talking about shitty experiences.

      I really recommend therapy, even if you feel that “nothing’s wrong”. It’s just so good to talk about whatever with someone, and getting to know yourself a bit better.

  7. How brave of you to share! Beautiful post. I think many people can learn from you. And you’re inspiring people by sharing this. I’m glad the therapy helps and the experience was good.

    1. If you want to give it a try, there are many YouTube videos and apps that offer guided meditation. The Headspace app is pretty good for beginners, although the sessions are a bit shirt.

  8. Talking to a neutral and professional person who is truly dedicated can be so helpful. And that you share your experience so openly can help so many others. Wonderful post, keep up the amazing work you do.

  9. Hello Sarah,

    Kudos for you, for sharing us your post and to bravely opening up yourself! That is why blogs are created, so we have avenue to express liberally our thoughts, and not worrying about what others are saying..

    I love it!

    For Urban Women